Comedy routine - SPANX
Getting ready for Mitch’s 45th birthday party.
Wearing Spanz…can’t breathe but everything looks sooo smooth. Spanx are really a girdle in the shape of a slip, Spanx it sounds cute and is the hip new young thing. Packaged sexy and everyone has to have one. Bought one in black and nude. It holds up your tush…looks hot. Would love to have the nerve to walk out of the house in just that…but. since I’m one of the “mother figures” at the party, I suppose I will put on some clothes over it. So first you put on bra and pants, then pantyhose, then the spanx slip and then your “for real” clothes. I am wearing a Channel Suit that my friend Carol said I HAD to have, about 15 years ago.
It was a fashion mistake and I’ve maybe worn it 3 times, but so appropriate for the evening that I wore it anyway. It’s definitely for a different figure type than mine…someone with no boobs and no waist. Oh well, I’ll look elegant I’m sure…its just that sitting down in it is going to be another thing altogether. . It’s going to be painful. I actually dieted for 2 days so that it wouldn’t be pulling so much. Down to102 on my scale 103 1/2 on Ron’s scale, I like my scale better.
We will be standing up having wine first. The trick is having just enough wine to relax…not get mad…. And just enough appetizers to balance the wine …so you don’t fall over or get too stuffed.
Feel like a bitch complaining cause this is certainly a privileged life, however, one must figure out how to remain dignified and jolly and all the while the spanx is cutting off my circulation and reminding me of the girdles I wore in the 50s, when I was 140 lbs and needed one ,and now ,I am remembering why I HATED the clothes of the 50s and always had a pained look on my face.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Mitch's party - part two
Mitch’s party – part 2
Party was great – got there at 7:00pm and left at 11:45pm/ Way way beyond my 3-hour rule. My 3-hour rule is that that is my limit for standing/ and or sitting around being polite before I want to get home and rip off my clothes and get comfortable.
Anyway, we got there early. Private room at Valentines. Set for 27 people. Beautiful wreaths on the walls and gorgeous little flower vases on the table – one for each couple to take home. I had first glass of wine and then switched to water so I could maintain. Met a girl in the bathroom who had been there 4 1/2 hours. She was falling over in the sink.
Back in the private room, the owner comes fawning all over Ron to introduce him to the man in charge of our party. “Oh Pedro, this is MR BLOOM’ and signora. I said, I’m his wife Lois”;; I wanted to say “you fool” I guess when you say signora it could be his wife, ,mistress, girlfriend, daughter or niece. That’s their way of being safe. Now that I think of it a more appropriate response would have been, I’m Mrs. Bloom. I know I shouldn’t care about these things…maybe its my back east upbringing…I don’t know; one of the reasons I wanted to get married was so I could be “official”.
Anyway, Jeff’s date cancelled so he came alone but early so I was able to talk to him a bit. Todd and Alyson came. She seems so perfect and they do seem happy.
Lots of very nice people—fun funny speeches. Ron gave a beautiful talk and said how Mitch has his mothers mind and how he is a model son. Mitch gave a speech and called me mother and Jeff and Todd brothers.
My friend Lee asked me what we ate. I said after 1 1/2 hours drinking first, who could remember. First course was lobster risotto—black rice—excellent—ate half and I was full that’s the thing about these dinners, they become endurance contests.
After each course the women moved 2 seats to the left. Eventually I got to sit next to Jeff and Todd and laugh with my sons and Alyson.
One of Mitch’s friend is married to a girl, Leann, and we look alike and everyone calls us sisters which pisses her off cause she’s 21 years younger than we. She’s a wild one Mitch says she’s dangerous. Very fun – she’s very wild.
Feel absolutely paralyzed the next day. Maybe it was thru spanz.
Party was great – got there at 7:00pm and left at 11:45pm/ Way way beyond my 3-hour rule. My 3-hour rule is that that is my limit for standing/ and or sitting around being polite before I want to get home and rip off my clothes and get comfortable.
Anyway, we got there early. Private room at Valentines. Set for 27 people. Beautiful wreaths on the walls and gorgeous little flower vases on the table – one for each couple to take home. I had first glass of wine and then switched to water so I could maintain. Met a girl in the bathroom who had been there 4 1/2 hours. She was falling over in the sink.
Back in the private room, the owner comes fawning all over Ron to introduce him to the man in charge of our party. “Oh Pedro, this is MR BLOOM’ and signora. I said, I’m his wife Lois”;; I wanted to say “you fool” I guess when you say signora it could be his wife, ,mistress, girlfriend, daughter or niece. That’s their way of being safe. Now that I think of it a more appropriate response would have been, I’m Mrs. Bloom. I know I shouldn’t care about these things…maybe its my back east upbringing…I don’t know; one of the reasons I wanted to get married was so I could be “official”.
Anyway, Jeff’s date cancelled so he came alone but early so I was able to talk to him a bit. Todd and Alyson came. She seems so perfect and they do seem happy.
Lots of very nice people—fun funny speeches. Ron gave a beautiful talk and said how Mitch has his mothers mind and how he is a model son. Mitch gave a speech and called me mother and Jeff and Todd brothers.
My friend Lee asked me what we ate. I said after 1 1/2 hours drinking first, who could remember. First course was lobster risotto—black rice—excellent—ate half and I was full that’s the thing about these dinners, they become endurance contests.
After each course the women moved 2 seats to the left. Eventually I got to sit next to Jeff and Todd and laugh with my sons and Alyson.
One of Mitch’s friend is married to a girl, Leann, and we look alike and everyone calls us sisters which pisses her off cause she’s 21 years younger than we. She’s a wild one Mitch says she’s dangerous. Very fun – she’s very wild.
Feel absolutely paralyzed the next day. Maybe it was thru spanz.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
JASPER
Jasper 2/14/08
My son, Jeff, the criminal defense attorney, who has always loved cats and had cats, has been convinced he should enter the world of being a dog owner – or as he would say
“I’m now on poop watch”
He was convinced that men walking dogs were irresistible to animal loving women, and that he was sure to meet his “future wife” on just such a walk.
So Jeff, a new condo owner, with no yard, got himself a 3/4 golden retriever 1/4 poodle. Named Jasper. The 1/4 poodle meant the dog would be smaller
Jasper," this is your grandmother", he announced to the face-licking puppy who already seems bigger than me. Already part of the condo is caged and fenced off so that the little darling could have his own space.
When Jasper arrived at his house, there waiting for him was INGER I call her Actk Tung Inger – Bruce Springsteen’s dog trainer that his brother, and my son,Todd, an entertainment atty. sent over and insisted he have. Inger proceeded to give Jeff a Poop Schedule 1 for pee, 2 for poop, 3 for both ,4 for an accident. I found this hilarious.
Inger is very strict at $150 for and hour and a half in blocks of 12.
It has currently cost Jeff $5,000 and Jasper has learned to sit.
Then, while walking Jasper in Rancho Park near his condo – Jeff who had informed me he is dating a 26 year old, 18 years his junior who is not Jewish, while he’s walking Jasper he is approached by a girl who is Jewish, Karen the dog sitter. If you call her a dog walker she gets insulted. Karen walks dogs, takes them to the vet and.now has the keys to Jeff’s condo. But she’s bonded. He’s waiting for the bond papers.
So Jeff says, there he is after 1/2 day in court and 1/2 day at the office…he is now home and Inger the dog trainer is cross examining Karen the dog sitter. They are both pretty girls in baseball caps and they are going at it. Jeff says,' girls it’s only a dog' they didn’t appreciate that and… that didn’t stop them. So Jeff is there and the two girls and there is Lucas one of my son Todd’s, actor clients who does carpentry on the side is there.
So Jeff is standing there with all these people---the poor dog is over in his area near his cage and promptly decides to poop on the floor…which they have to put on the poop schedule and somehow this seems far removed from a boy and his dog romping about.
So after all this it has cost Jeff $5,000…. Jasper has learned to sit and his bathroom habits are well documented Jeff can’t believe what he was convinced to do. He is starting to think, if I didn’t have the trainer, the walker, the carpenter, I wouldn’t have to work so hard
Jeff is having a party Saturday night. I said," is the dog going to be there?" " Is it going to be like as bris?" He said,'mom it’s a dog warming party". I said " what about the fences and the gates?" He said " I’ve taken some of them down".
The good thing is Jeff has lost weight since Jasper moved in. No more coming home and relaxing – oh no—Jasper must be walked morning and night. He certainly now has a full life. He has to pay other people to live his life. He said, today he is downtown sitting on a bench waiting to get into court talking on his cell to his dog sitter who is at his condo with his puppy.
Sounds like that’s how a lot of men feel when they talk to their wives. We will see.
My son, Jeff, the criminal defense attorney, who has always loved cats and had cats, has been convinced he should enter the world of being a dog owner – or as he would say
“I’m now on poop watch”
He was convinced that men walking dogs were irresistible to animal loving women, and that he was sure to meet his “future wife” on just such a walk.
So Jeff, a new condo owner, with no yard, got himself a 3/4 golden retriever 1/4 poodle. Named Jasper. The 1/4 poodle meant the dog would be smaller
Jasper," this is your grandmother", he announced to the face-licking puppy who already seems bigger than me. Already part of the condo is caged and fenced off so that the little darling could have his own space.
When Jasper arrived at his house, there waiting for him was INGER I call her Actk Tung Inger – Bruce Springsteen’s dog trainer that his brother, and my son,Todd, an entertainment atty. sent over and insisted he have. Inger proceeded to give Jeff a Poop Schedule 1 for pee, 2 for poop, 3 for both ,4 for an accident. I found this hilarious.
Inger is very strict at $150 for and hour and a half in blocks of 12.
It has currently cost Jeff $5,000 and Jasper has learned to sit.
Then, while walking Jasper in Rancho Park near his condo – Jeff who had informed me he is dating a 26 year old, 18 years his junior who is not Jewish, while he’s walking Jasper he is approached by a girl who is Jewish, Karen the dog sitter. If you call her a dog walker she gets insulted. Karen walks dogs, takes them to the vet and.now has the keys to Jeff’s condo. But she’s bonded. He’s waiting for the bond papers.
So Jeff says, there he is after 1/2 day in court and 1/2 day at the office…he is now home and Inger the dog trainer is cross examining Karen the dog sitter. They are both pretty girls in baseball caps and they are going at it. Jeff says,' girls it’s only a dog' they didn’t appreciate that and… that didn’t stop them. So Jeff is there and the two girls and there is Lucas one of my son Todd’s, actor clients who does carpentry on the side is there.
So Jeff is standing there with all these people---the poor dog is over in his area near his cage and promptly decides to poop on the floor…which they have to put on the poop schedule and somehow this seems far removed from a boy and his dog romping about.
So after all this it has cost Jeff $5,000…. Jasper has learned to sit and his bathroom habits are well documented Jeff can’t believe what he was convinced to do. He is starting to think, if I didn’t have the trainer, the walker, the carpenter, I wouldn’t have to work so hard
Jeff is having a party Saturday night. I said," is the dog going to be there?" " Is it going to be like as bris?" He said,'mom it’s a dog warming party". I said " what about the fences and the gates?" He said " I’ve taken some of them down".
The good thing is Jeff has lost weight since Jasper moved in. No more coming home and relaxing – oh no—Jasper must be walked morning and night. He certainly now has a full life. He has to pay other people to live his life. He said, today he is downtown sitting on a bench waiting to get into court talking on his cell to his dog sitter who is at his condo with his puppy.
Sounds like that’s how a lot of men feel when they talk to their wives. We will see.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)