Preface to memoir –
I never had all of him. He was my son and I never had al of him. When he was born the fill in obstetrician pulled him out with high forceps – which interrupted the connection between his eye and brain and , therefore, he never cold see – not his twin brother, his little brother, his father or me.
Those forceps also caused him to have a life threatening illness – which we learned about when he was 12 years old and which he succumbed to at age 34 – 11 years ago.
In spite of all this, my son, Lee Rubenstein always had a smile on his face. “And a Smile On His Face” is the title I have chosen for the book I am writing, which is a tribute to his courage.
He lived with me for the last year of his life, but prior to that he lived independently
For 6 years in his own apartment in north Berkeley, California. He walked, took the bus and Bart and many planes by himself. He was blind, had seizures, which disoriented him, and he was heavily medicated – but nothing deterred him from getting out and about.
The telephone was his lifeline to the world and he spent many hours talking to his various friends. When he was out of bed he usually carried his portable phone in his pocket.
He spent a good deal of time in bed - as he was on a lot of drugs. He use to tease and say he was going to start a legal drug fraternity.
When the phone rang – he always let it ring twice – so as not to give the impression of how much that call meant to him.
Every call – every simple [le kindness meant a great deal to him. He use to say to me – as he got on a plane to go back to Berkeley, “Mom, would you please call and leave me a TLC (tender loving care ) message.
The above is a preface to a memoir I wrote after taking a class, Art Of The Memoir, at UCLA. The memoir follows
Monday, October 5, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
ELEVATOR FACES
Elevator faces
My friend Suzie invited me to the Broad opening, the old Los Angeles
Museum of Contemporary Art has been re-vamped by Eli Broad and there were a series of galas and openings. She invited me on a night when our husbands were playing poker and I said,' sure.'
Driving there I asked her if she had seen the Grammy’s and this friend said no but that she loved Amy Winehouse. That she downloaded I tunes which gives you a free tune ever week and that two years ago she had fallen in love with Amy Winehouse’ song, “You Know I’m No Good”.…
Wow, I’m thinking, how cool is she…she’s one of the poker wives, who even though she is a bit younger, I considered older in hipness. Suzie is actually in love with the most radical performer at the whole grammys, so radical they wouldn’t let her back into the country because of her “on screen” heron taking; and the song and album that she won best of everything for and performed live from London, is called “Not Going To Rehab”.
So I’m saying to Suzie that my son Todd has given me a gift of a computer tutor for old people, someone with lots of patience and that first thing next lesson, I was going to ask him how I could download itunes.
Suzie also told me she had just gotten iphone and that she is in a learning curve of how to use it. But that she might be able to play me Amy Winehouse other song she had fallen in love with.
At this point we have arrived and are pulling into the Museum underground parking garage. We see emerging from their cars, various older people in black with sensible shoes and scarves. You know the type. Of course we are dressed the same way and we debate should we take our coats, shouldn’t we take our coats. She didn’t. I did and was sorry Suzie is so hip she wore navy blue instead of black.
So we’re walking from our car and Suzie is playing with her iphone, trying to get me the song. Just as we arrive at the elevator and it goes up leaving 15 of us waiting for the next one, ,Suzie punches up the song and hands it to me to listen to, Well you would have thought I was a black man with a boom box. Everyone is very silent with their elevator faces and I’m listening to this radical blaring with a great beat. Suzie sees the look of controlled horror on everyone’s faces and takes the phone from me and starts punching buttons and the thing won’t go off and shes punching and punching.
I said, Suzie we’re going to laugh about this for years.
The art at the museum and the museum is quite memorable. Lot of Andy Warhol and sculptures you walk thru and mazes and it’s laid out beautifully. Trying to give the impression of the Guggenheim in Bilbo where the museum itself is a work of art. However, the most memorable part for me is waiting for the elevator and listening to Amy Winehouse.
My friend Suzie invited me to the Broad opening, the old Los Angeles
Museum of Contemporary Art has been re-vamped by Eli Broad and there were a series of galas and openings. She invited me on a night when our husbands were playing poker and I said,' sure.'
Driving there I asked her if she had seen the Grammy’s and this friend said no but that she loved Amy Winehouse. That she downloaded I tunes which gives you a free tune ever week and that two years ago she had fallen in love with Amy Winehouse’ song, “You Know I’m No Good”.…
Wow, I’m thinking, how cool is she…she’s one of the poker wives, who even though she is a bit younger, I considered older in hipness. Suzie is actually in love with the most radical performer at the whole grammys, so radical they wouldn’t let her back into the country because of her “on screen” heron taking; and the song and album that she won best of everything for and performed live from London, is called “Not Going To Rehab”.
So I’m saying to Suzie that my son Todd has given me a gift of a computer tutor for old people, someone with lots of patience and that first thing next lesson, I was going to ask him how I could download itunes.
Suzie also told me she had just gotten iphone and that she is in a learning curve of how to use it. But that she might be able to play me Amy Winehouse other song she had fallen in love with.
At this point we have arrived and are pulling into the Museum underground parking garage. We see emerging from their cars, various older people in black with sensible shoes and scarves. You know the type. Of course we are dressed the same way and we debate should we take our coats, shouldn’t we take our coats. She didn’t. I did and was sorry Suzie is so hip she wore navy blue instead of black.
So we’re walking from our car and Suzie is playing with her iphone, trying to get me the song. Just as we arrive at the elevator and it goes up leaving 15 of us waiting for the next one, ,Suzie punches up the song and hands it to me to listen to, Well you would have thought I was a black man with a boom box. Everyone is very silent with their elevator faces and I’m listening to this radical blaring with a great beat. Suzie sees the look of controlled horror on everyone’s faces and takes the phone from me and starts punching buttons and the thing won’t go off and shes punching and punching.
I said, Suzie we’re going to laugh about this for years.
The art at the museum and the museum is quite memorable. Lot of Andy Warhol and sculptures you walk thru and mazes and it’s laid out beautifully. Trying to give the impression of the Guggenheim in Bilbo where the museum itself is a work of art. However, the most memorable part for me is waiting for the elevator and listening to Amy Winehouse.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
spanx
Comedy routine - SPANX
Getting ready for Mitch’s 45th birthday party.
Wearing Spanz…can’t breathe but everything looks sooo smooth. Spanx are really a girdle in the shape of a slip, Spanx it sounds cute and is the hip new young thing. Packaged sexy and everyone has to have one. Bought one in black and nude. It holds up your tush…looks hot. Would love to have the nerve to walk out of the house in just that…but. since I’m one of the “mother figures” at the party, I suppose I will put on some clothes over it. So first you put on bra and pants, then pantyhose, then the spanx slip and then your “for real” clothes. I am wearing a Channel Suit that my friend Carol said I HAD to have, about 15 years ago.
It was a fashion mistake and I’ve maybe worn it 3 times, but so appropriate for the evening that I wore it anyway. It’s definitely for a different figure type than mine…someone with no boobs and no waist. Oh well, I’ll look elegant I’m sure…its just that sitting down in it is going to be another thing altogether. . It’s going to be painful. I actually dieted for 2 days so that it wouldn’t be pulling so much. Down to102 on my scale 103 1/2 on Ron’s scale, I like my scale better.
We will be standing up having wine first. The trick is having just enough wine to relax…not get mad…. And just enough appetizers to balance the wine …so you don’t fall over or get too stuffed.
Feel like a bitch complaining cause this is certainly a privileged life, however, one must figure out how to remain dignified and jolly and all the while the spanx is cutting off my circulation and reminding me of the girdles I wore in the 50s, when I was 140 lbs and needed one ,and now ,I am remembering why I HATED the clothes of the 50s and always had a pained look on my face.
Getting ready for Mitch’s 45th birthday party.
Wearing Spanz…can’t breathe but everything looks sooo smooth. Spanx are really a girdle in the shape of a slip, Spanx it sounds cute and is the hip new young thing. Packaged sexy and everyone has to have one. Bought one in black and nude. It holds up your tush…looks hot. Would love to have the nerve to walk out of the house in just that…but. since I’m one of the “mother figures” at the party, I suppose I will put on some clothes over it. So first you put on bra and pants, then pantyhose, then the spanx slip and then your “for real” clothes. I am wearing a Channel Suit that my friend Carol said I HAD to have, about 15 years ago.
It was a fashion mistake and I’ve maybe worn it 3 times, but so appropriate for the evening that I wore it anyway. It’s definitely for a different figure type than mine…someone with no boobs and no waist. Oh well, I’ll look elegant I’m sure…its just that sitting down in it is going to be another thing altogether. . It’s going to be painful. I actually dieted for 2 days so that it wouldn’t be pulling so much. Down to102 on my scale 103 1/2 on Ron’s scale, I like my scale better.
We will be standing up having wine first. The trick is having just enough wine to relax…not get mad…. And just enough appetizers to balance the wine …so you don’t fall over or get too stuffed.
Feel like a bitch complaining cause this is certainly a privileged life, however, one must figure out how to remain dignified and jolly and all the while the spanx is cutting off my circulation and reminding me of the girdles I wore in the 50s, when I was 140 lbs and needed one ,and now ,I am remembering why I HATED the clothes of the 50s and always had a pained look on my face.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Mitch's party - part two
Mitch’s party – part 2
Party was great – got there at 7:00pm and left at 11:45pm/ Way way beyond my 3-hour rule. My 3-hour rule is that that is my limit for standing/ and or sitting around being polite before I want to get home and rip off my clothes and get comfortable.
Anyway, we got there early. Private room at Valentines. Set for 27 people. Beautiful wreaths on the walls and gorgeous little flower vases on the table – one for each couple to take home. I had first glass of wine and then switched to water so I could maintain. Met a girl in the bathroom who had been there 4 1/2 hours. She was falling over in the sink.
Back in the private room, the owner comes fawning all over Ron to introduce him to the man in charge of our party. “Oh Pedro, this is MR BLOOM’ and signora. I said, I’m his wife Lois”;; I wanted to say “you fool” I guess when you say signora it could be his wife, ,mistress, girlfriend, daughter or niece. That’s their way of being safe. Now that I think of it a more appropriate response would have been, I’m Mrs. Bloom. I know I shouldn’t care about these things…maybe its my back east upbringing…I don’t know; one of the reasons I wanted to get married was so I could be “official”.
Anyway, Jeff’s date cancelled so he came alone but early so I was able to talk to him a bit. Todd and Alyson came. She seems so perfect and they do seem happy.
Lots of very nice people—fun funny speeches. Ron gave a beautiful talk and said how Mitch has his mothers mind and how he is a model son. Mitch gave a speech and called me mother and Jeff and Todd brothers.
My friend Lee asked me what we ate. I said after 1 1/2 hours drinking first, who could remember. First course was lobster risotto—black rice—excellent—ate half and I was full that’s the thing about these dinners, they become endurance contests.
After each course the women moved 2 seats to the left. Eventually I got to sit next to Jeff and Todd and laugh with my sons and Alyson.
One of Mitch’s friend is married to a girl, Leann, and we look alike and everyone calls us sisters which pisses her off cause she’s 21 years younger than we. She’s a wild one Mitch says she’s dangerous. Very fun – she’s very wild.
Feel absolutely paralyzed the next day. Maybe it was thru spanz.
Party was great – got there at 7:00pm and left at 11:45pm/ Way way beyond my 3-hour rule. My 3-hour rule is that that is my limit for standing/ and or sitting around being polite before I want to get home and rip off my clothes and get comfortable.
Anyway, we got there early. Private room at Valentines. Set for 27 people. Beautiful wreaths on the walls and gorgeous little flower vases on the table – one for each couple to take home. I had first glass of wine and then switched to water so I could maintain. Met a girl in the bathroom who had been there 4 1/2 hours. She was falling over in the sink.
Back in the private room, the owner comes fawning all over Ron to introduce him to the man in charge of our party. “Oh Pedro, this is MR BLOOM’ and signora. I said, I’m his wife Lois”;; I wanted to say “you fool” I guess when you say signora it could be his wife, ,mistress, girlfriend, daughter or niece. That’s their way of being safe. Now that I think of it a more appropriate response would have been, I’m Mrs. Bloom. I know I shouldn’t care about these things…maybe its my back east upbringing…I don’t know; one of the reasons I wanted to get married was so I could be “official”.
Anyway, Jeff’s date cancelled so he came alone but early so I was able to talk to him a bit. Todd and Alyson came. She seems so perfect and they do seem happy.
Lots of very nice people—fun funny speeches. Ron gave a beautiful talk and said how Mitch has his mothers mind and how he is a model son. Mitch gave a speech and called me mother and Jeff and Todd brothers.
My friend Lee asked me what we ate. I said after 1 1/2 hours drinking first, who could remember. First course was lobster risotto—black rice—excellent—ate half and I was full that’s the thing about these dinners, they become endurance contests.
After each course the women moved 2 seats to the left. Eventually I got to sit next to Jeff and Todd and laugh with my sons and Alyson.
One of Mitch’s friend is married to a girl, Leann, and we look alike and everyone calls us sisters which pisses her off cause she’s 21 years younger than we. She’s a wild one Mitch says she’s dangerous. Very fun – she’s very wild.
Feel absolutely paralyzed the next day. Maybe it was thru spanz.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
JASPER
Jasper 2/14/08
My son, Jeff, the criminal defense attorney, who has always loved cats and had cats, has been convinced he should enter the world of being a dog owner – or as he would say
“I’m now on poop watch”
He was convinced that men walking dogs were irresistible to animal loving women, and that he was sure to meet his “future wife” on just such a walk.
So Jeff, a new condo owner, with no yard, got himself a 3/4 golden retriever 1/4 poodle. Named Jasper. The 1/4 poodle meant the dog would be smaller
Jasper," this is your grandmother", he announced to the face-licking puppy who already seems bigger than me. Already part of the condo is caged and fenced off so that the little darling could have his own space.
When Jasper arrived at his house, there waiting for him was INGER I call her Actk Tung Inger – Bruce Springsteen’s dog trainer that his brother, and my son,Todd, an entertainment atty. sent over and insisted he have. Inger proceeded to give Jeff a Poop Schedule 1 for pee, 2 for poop, 3 for both ,4 for an accident. I found this hilarious.
Inger is very strict at $150 for and hour and a half in blocks of 12.
It has currently cost Jeff $5,000 and Jasper has learned to sit.
Then, while walking Jasper in Rancho Park near his condo – Jeff who had informed me he is dating a 26 year old, 18 years his junior who is not Jewish, while he’s walking Jasper he is approached by a girl who is Jewish, Karen the dog sitter. If you call her a dog walker she gets insulted. Karen walks dogs, takes them to the vet and.now has the keys to Jeff’s condo. But she’s bonded. He’s waiting for the bond papers.
So Jeff says, there he is after 1/2 day in court and 1/2 day at the office…he is now home and Inger the dog trainer is cross examining Karen the dog sitter. They are both pretty girls in baseball caps and they are going at it. Jeff says,' girls it’s only a dog' they didn’t appreciate that and… that didn’t stop them. So Jeff is there and the two girls and there is Lucas one of my son Todd’s, actor clients who does carpentry on the side is there.
So Jeff is standing there with all these people---the poor dog is over in his area near his cage and promptly decides to poop on the floor…which they have to put on the poop schedule and somehow this seems far removed from a boy and his dog romping about.
So after all this it has cost Jeff $5,000…. Jasper has learned to sit and his bathroom habits are well documented Jeff can’t believe what he was convinced to do. He is starting to think, if I didn’t have the trainer, the walker, the carpenter, I wouldn’t have to work so hard
Jeff is having a party Saturday night. I said," is the dog going to be there?" " Is it going to be like as bris?" He said,'mom it’s a dog warming party". I said " what about the fences and the gates?" He said " I’ve taken some of them down".
The good thing is Jeff has lost weight since Jasper moved in. No more coming home and relaxing – oh no—Jasper must be walked morning and night. He certainly now has a full life. He has to pay other people to live his life. He said, today he is downtown sitting on a bench waiting to get into court talking on his cell to his dog sitter who is at his condo with his puppy.
Sounds like that’s how a lot of men feel when they talk to their wives. We will see.
My son, Jeff, the criminal defense attorney, who has always loved cats and had cats, has been convinced he should enter the world of being a dog owner – or as he would say
“I’m now on poop watch”
He was convinced that men walking dogs were irresistible to animal loving women, and that he was sure to meet his “future wife” on just such a walk.
So Jeff, a new condo owner, with no yard, got himself a 3/4 golden retriever 1/4 poodle. Named Jasper. The 1/4 poodle meant the dog would be smaller
Jasper," this is your grandmother", he announced to the face-licking puppy who already seems bigger than me. Already part of the condo is caged and fenced off so that the little darling could have his own space.
When Jasper arrived at his house, there waiting for him was INGER I call her Actk Tung Inger – Bruce Springsteen’s dog trainer that his brother, and my son,Todd, an entertainment atty. sent over and insisted he have. Inger proceeded to give Jeff a Poop Schedule 1 for pee, 2 for poop, 3 for both ,4 for an accident. I found this hilarious.
Inger is very strict at $150 for and hour and a half in blocks of 12.
It has currently cost Jeff $5,000 and Jasper has learned to sit.
Then, while walking Jasper in Rancho Park near his condo – Jeff who had informed me he is dating a 26 year old, 18 years his junior who is not Jewish, while he’s walking Jasper he is approached by a girl who is Jewish, Karen the dog sitter. If you call her a dog walker she gets insulted. Karen walks dogs, takes them to the vet and.now has the keys to Jeff’s condo. But she’s bonded. He’s waiting for the bond papers.
So Jeff says, there he is after 1/2 day in court and 1/2 day at the office…he is now home and Inger the dog trainer is cross examining Karen the dog sitter. They are both pretty girls in baseball caps and they are going at it. Jeff says,' girls it’s only a dog' they didn’t appreciate that and… that didn’t stop them. So Jeff is there and the two girls and there is Lucas one of my son Todd’s, actor clients who does carpentry on the side is there.
So Jeff is standing there with all these people---the poor dog is over in his area near his cage and promptly decides to poop on the floor…which they have to put on the poop schedule and somehow this seems far removed from a boy and his dog romping about.
So after all this it has cost Jeff $5,000…. Jasper has learned to sit and his bathroom habits are well documented Jeff can’t believe what he was convinced to do. He is starting to think, if I didn’t have the trainer, the walker, the carpenter, I wouldn’t have to work so hard
Jeff is having a party Saturday night. I said," is the dog going to be there?" " Is it going to be like as bris?" He said,'mom it’s a dog warming party". I said " what about the fences and the gates?" He said " I’ve taken some of them down".
The good thing is Jeff has lost weight since Jasper moved in. No more coming home and relaxing – oh no—Jasper must be walked morning and night. He certainly now has a full life. He has to pay other people to live his life. He said, today he is downtown sitting on a bench waiting to get into court talking on his cell to his dog sitter who is at his condo with his puppy.
Sounds like that’s how a lot of men feel when they talk to their wives. We will see.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
SARAH PALIN
917/08
TO SARAH PALIN
Dear Governor Palin:
I am seriously disturbed and frankly quite puzzled by your decision to carry your downs syndrome son to term. I understand you have pro-life principles -, a valiant ideology, which is your right as an American to have. However, as the mother of a handicapped son who was born blind, had seizures and kidney failure; i don't think you have any idea of what you are doing.,
Having a child that is different and demands "special attention" is a challenge that we as a family dealt with and met with love.
However, we didn't have a choice and you did. How can you possibly know how those special needs will affect absolutely every single thing you and your family do every second of every day.
I'm first thinking of the impact this will have on your other children. Life will not be 'normal". The entire mobility of the family will be affected, even if its just by the
stares from other people. Your attention will constantly be diverted from your other children if, by nothing else, by your attempt to make things normal. When you hold a baby in your arms it is easy to pretend everything is ok. As this child goes out in the world and must interact it is a different story.
I am voting for you and admire you. I even teared up when you spoke of being an advocate for mothers of children with special needs - - but I think that this decision is so unfair to your son, your other children and yourself.
Yes my other sons are richer, deeper, more caring individuals because they always had to help and guide him. It was a burden I wish they didn't have to endure.
My son never complained, was grateful for every second and every kindness. Only towards the end did he say "mom. I was born to suffer".
Your son and family will suffer in ways you cannot imagine. I think in your attempt to be magnanimous, you are actually being selfish. Having an ideology is one thing. living with the consequences is another. I wish you great patience and love.
Most sincerely
Lois Feldman Bloom
TO SARAH PALIN
Dear Governor Palin:
I am seriously disturbed and frankly quite puzzled by your decision to carry your downs syndrome son to term. I understand you have pro-life principles -, a valiant ideology, which is your right as an American to have. However, as the mother of a handicapped son who was born blind, had seizures and kidney failure; i don't think you have any idea of what you are doing.,
Having a child that is different and demands "special attention" is a challenge that we as a family dealt with and met with love.
However, we didn't have a choice and you did. How can you possibly know how those special needs will affect absolutely every single thing you and your family do every second of every day.
I'm first thinking of the impact this will have on your other children. Life will not be 'normal". The entire mobility of the family will be affected, even if its just by the
stares from other people. Your attention will constantly be diverted from your other children if, by nothing else, by your attempt to make things normal. When you hold a baby in your arms it is easy to pretend everything is ok. As this child goes out in the world and must interact it is a different story.
I am voting for you and admire you. I even teared up when you spoke of being an advocate for mothers of children with special needs - - but I think that this decision is so unfair to your son, your other children and yourself.
Yes my other sons are richer, deeper, more caring individuals because they always had to help and guide him. It was a burden I wish they didn't have to endure.
My son never complained, was grateful for every second and every kindness. Only towards the end did he say "mom. I was born to suffer".
Your son and family will suffer in ways you cannot imagine. I think in your attempt to be magnanimous, you are actually being selfish. Having an ideology is one thing. living with the consequences is another. I wish you great patience and love.
Most sincerely
Lois Feldman Bloom
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Sara Palin part two
After some contemplation, I realized that the reason I reacted so strongly to Governor Palins decision to have her Down Syndrome child, is because it had never entered my concious mind what it would be like to be pregnant and find out your child is handicapped and choosing to have thst baby.
Obviously, this pushed several buttons in me, mother of a handicapped son who had passed away 10 years ago at the age of 34.
I then went to what a special young man my son was. How he called me his "donor doll mom every time he saw me after I donated my kidney to him. I thought about how he use to say "how did I get such a wonderful mom." I thought about what a blessing it was to have had him and what a privilege it was to be his mom.
I have changed my position. I now applaud Governor Palins decsion to have her son. That took courage. I
I will work to help her bring awareness to the world that handicapped people are total souls who want what we all want and that is: to be loved and to have peace.
Obviously, this pushed several buttons in me, mother of a handicapped son who had passed away 10 years ago at the age of 34.
I then went to what a special young man my son was. How he called me his "donor doll mom every time he saw me after I donated my kidney to him. I thought about how he use to say "how did I get such a wonderful mom." I thought about what a blessing it was to have had him and what a privilege it was to be his mom.
I have changed my position. I now applaud Governor Palins decsion to have her son. That took courage. I
I will work to help her bring awareness to the world that handicapped people are total souls who want what we all want and that is: to be loved and to have peace.
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